The Amazing Race
by wwwwwww
Summary: A few select FMA characters are paired with each other to compete in a race around the world! It's odd and doesn't make a whole lot of sense! The crack fairy was generous this year.
1. Intro

Author's Notes: It'd be nice if you read this. It **IS** the first chapter, and all.

Like I said before, I needed a story that actually went somewhere. Haven't done one in awhile. SO! Behold, the product of my brother, tea and public television COMBINED! It's a force to be reckoned with.

This story is, of course, the a few select FMA characters thrown into the odd show, _The Amazing Race_. Please note that this will not necessary follow every single lil' smidgen of a guideline ON the show, because half of it confuses me anyway. My brother tries to explain it, and it's my job not to understand.

If you don't know WHAT THE HECK _The Amazing Race_ is, then I'll explain it in brief. Teams of two from across the U.S. go up against each other on a race around the world. They go to different countries, each trying to get to the goal point first. Whoever comes in dead last is eliminated. There ya go. Easy as cake.

That's about all I need to say. Oh, and it would be nice to have a LITTLE input on who gets eliminated and whatnot, but no guarantees. I probably have some ideas of my own in there. I hope. But if you really want to suggest something, don't be afraid to. And please don't flame if your favorite character gets eliminated. IT DOES **NOT** MEAN I DO NOT LIKE THEM! They just had a case of bad luck. Maybe lack of geography skills.

I'm gonna shut up now. Please also note that there may be spoilers (Wrath, Izumi-sensei, etc.) and some OOCness. This'll probably get weird, so be prepared. Rawr.

* * *

_**The Amazing Race**_  
Ch. 1; The Intro

Disclaimer: Of course I don't own IT! (shoots disclaimer)

* * *

_Six teams from across the nation all gather to meet at one spot to begin they're treacherous journey across the globe. They will endure many weeks of hardship… poverty… suffering… confusion…_

"Enough of the gloomy opening!" a voice cried from above. Was it God? No, he doesn't make public appearances.

In the middle of a yellow-grassed field, a figure landed from the Heavens. The angel choir recited the 'Hallelujah Chorus' as he placed his feet on the ground.

"LET'S GET THIS THING STARTED!" Maes Hughes cried, chucking his halo and reaching upward. An angel dropped a microphone from the sky and he grabbed it as he posed. "Alrighty then! Thank you all for tuning in for the first episode of _The Amazing Race_! … If you're even paying attention. Anyways, I'm your host, Maes Hughes aka 'The Dead One'. But I'm not dead now, so don't write angry reviews, alright? Nod your head, look at this picture of Elicia and agree with me. Right. Let's introduce the teams."

--

Running on a lonely road in the middle of nowhere, a few miles away from their destination was a boy in an over-sized red coat and his girly teammate. They were running… and running… and running some more.

"Where are we going?" the small blond boy cried. "They always run on these friggin' things, and I have no idea where to!"

The girl retaliated, panting. "Oh, shut up, Ed! We'll know where we're going when we… get… there…"

The pony-tailed girl passed out gracefully on the road. Ed stopped on a dime and ran to her. He gasped. "Holy crap! You guys killed her!"

Words flashed at the bottom of the screen:

**Team #1- Edward Elric and Winry Rockbell  
'The Life-Long Friends'**

A clip that had been pre-recorded a few days before began to play. Ed and Winry were sitting uncomfortably next to each other. They were shooting death-glares at each other.

"Yeah, we're friends. But what do you guys care? None of this was my fault. You hear me? Hey."

"Stop beating on the camera! It never did anything to you." Winry snapped. Ed smacked the camera. It fuzzed, went out of focus and then regained itself. "EDWARD! I'll hit you, I swear."

There was a voice offscreen. "If you break my camera, you're alchemitizing me a new one, Blondie."

Ed stood up, his torso and bottom half showing onscreen. "How about I rip YOU a new one, you funny little man?"

"No, wait… Ed… SIT DOWN!" Winry shouted as Ed walked offscreen. Insert miscellaneous screams of agony.

"AGONYYYYYYYYYYYY! AGONY AND PAIN!"

Winry pouted angrily and crossed her arms. "Sigh. This isn't working."

--

Two adult figures were running down the same looking path in the middle of Nowheresville. Why, it was the predictable team of Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye! What a clever authoress!

"How dare you accuse ME, of all people, of _hitting_ on you! We're military personnel! Why would I _EVER_ do such a…"

The blond woman in a white tank top and military pants ran beside him. "All right, Mustang. I get it. Quit being so over-dramatic."

Riza glanced over at the colonel running desperately beside her. "Quit staring at my chest, Mustang."

Roy looked ahead quickly. "Right!"

"Now listen; I was NOT the one who came up with this idea. It was ALL you." Riza reminded the peeping-tom colonel. "And that's what we'll tell them, right? … Right? MUSTANG!"

Riza backhanded Roy and left him lying on the ground, bleeding profusely from his left nostril. Hawkeye continued to run.

"Pig."

**Team #2- Riza Hawkeye and Roy Mustang  
'The Work Partners'**

The clip began to play. Riza and Roy were sitting together in front of the camera.

"Well, Roy had this crazy idea that we would be on this television show together as a team." Riza explained her side of the story. "I figured that if we can manage to work in the same area, we could be a team. Little did I know… THIS would happen."

Riza motioned with her thumb to the raven-haired colonel, who was panting with his tongue hanging out and staring at her.

"Yes. I sense many complications with this partnership."

Riza backhanded Roy, walked offscreen, and left him to die.

--

Guess what? They're RUNNING!

"What a wonderful idea this was of yours, Pinako! Why, even with my BRILLIANT ancestry line I could have NEVER---"

"Shut yer mouth, sonny." The short granny ran ahead of the tall, muscular man. She was wearing a white athletic top and biker shorts. Dear Lord. "Just leave the talkin' to me!"

**Team #3- Armstrong and Pinako  
'The Odd Team'**

"Yeah, I suppose people would be shocked if they heard an' old coot like me was pairing up with this… _athletically built_ fellow. But then again, I betcha didn't know I used to be quite the athlete back in the day…!"

Pinako flexed her muscles and grinned evilly. Armstrong sparkled like there was no tomorrow.

"OF COURSE! And who WOULDN'T mistake this woman to be a former athlete!" Armstrong flexed along with Pinako. "LOOK AT HER! SUCH FORM! SUCH POISE!"

"GRRR!" Pinako growled as she began to pose. "I also major in tae-kwon-do! HIIIIIIYA!"

Pinako went Yoda on the camera and it fuzzed out.

--

They're running. And they don't know where to. Such is the life of a Sin…

OR AN _AMAZING RACE _CONTESTANT!

"Envy…" the small black-haired boy huffed. "Why… are we running…? Can't we just… stop for a little while…"

"Of course not!" the green-haired Sin snapped. "This is the **_AMAZING_** _Race_, not the _Napping Race_."

The small boy began to pant. "Well, can we go to that one instead?"

"There IS no other one! I made it up!" Envy snarled. "Insolent brat…"

"Envy…"

"_What_?_"_

"Can I have a candy bar?"

**Team #4- Wrath aka 'Moofy' and Envy  
'The Inerasable Sins'**

The two sins sat in front of the camera. Wrath was poking it, wondering who could have invented such a demonic device. Envy sat cross-legged beside his teammate, absolutely not wanting to be there.

"Um, excuse me…" Wrath asked the person behind the camera. "Is this going to steal my soul?"

"Stop that." Envy snapped, smacking Wrath's hand away. He sighed loudly. "No, I don't want to be here. How I got stuck with this brat in the first place is a tale only those stupid producers can tell you. So what if I didn't have a partner? Gluttony's been paired, Greed's off smoking crack, and Lust is drowning her sorrows at the bar. I'm a lone wolf, you hear me? A LONE WOLF! What? I'm not a woman."

Wrath moved away slowly.

--

Rhythmic metal clunking echoed off the… grass.

"… And you are NOT going to lose under ANY circumstances, right!"

"Yes, Izumi-sensei…"

"C'mon, Alphonse, I trained you better than that! Now keep running! … Stand up straight! Suck in that gut!"

"But, Izumi-sensei, I have no gut. I'm just like you!"

Izumi twitched. Al looked behind him where his former teacher was running. "Izumi-sensei…?"

The brown-haired woman collapsed on the ground and began coughing up a storm. Al nearly fainted (if he could) at the sight of the crimson blood currently being hacked up by his sensei.

"IZUMI-SENSEI!"

**Team #5- Izumi and Alphonse Elric  
'The Bill Team'**

"… The _Bill_ Team? Alphonse?" Izumi looked suspiciously at her former student, who was sitting beside her sheepishly onscreen.

Al fiddled with his thumbs. "Well, I… I had this cat, you see… A long time ago, I kept it in secret because mother didn't want us to have one. And his name was Bill, so…"

Izumi sighed, looked at the camera and muttered, "How about we change our name to the Cliché Team?"

All was silent for a few moments.

"S-Sorry. I'm not good with cameras."

Izumi coughed.

"Um…"

Izumi coughed again.

"I-Izumi-sensei…"

Izumi forward off screen as wonderful vomit noises were heard.

"AHH! IZUMI-SENSEI!" Al jumped up and looked around frantically. He bent down and looked right into the camera, making the cameraman jump twenty feet in the air. "Hey you! DO SOMETHING! PLEASE!"

"I-I-I'm right on it!"

"BLAAAAUGH!"

"Oh, sensei…"

--

What's this…? No running? How can this be!

"Mehheheh…"

Silence.

"Mehheh… Mehheheh…"

Silence.

"Just… Just a little bit…"

"Let go of me, you spawn of Satan." A tall dark-skinned man with an x-shaped scar on his face muttered and punched the short tubby Sin beside him. "You can crawl in a hole and die a slow, painful death for all I care."

"But I…" the short homunculi drooled. "I just want to… OOF!"

Scar continued to walk as the Sin rolled around on the ground.

"Help me! I… can't get up…"

**Team #6- Scar and Gluttony  
'The Team That Has No Name'**

"'Why don't we have a name'?" Scar repeated sullenly. "Can you tell me any words that can express this team?"

Gluttony stared at the camera. "It's… It's just like cake…"

"See what I mean?" Scar crossed his arms. "I refuse to work with such a moronic symbol of everything that goes against God's work. … What? … Across the WORLD…! With THIS thing!"

Gluttony watched in awe as his prey lashed out on the cameraman.

"No one ever told me this!" Scar's deep voice was heard offscreen. "YOU! This is your fault! … Don't you run from me. Get over here. … No, this won't hurt a bit…"

--

Hughes was lounging in a chair in the grass, the microphone cord wrapped around his finger as the mic dangled. He swung it slowly back and forth and yawned.

"Um, Mr. Hughes…" a nasally voice quietly replied offscreen.

"What? Oh!" Hughes swung the mic, caught it and sprung into action. "And there you have it! Our six WONDERFUL teams competing in a battle to the death! Or elimination. However you want to take it. They should be arriving any time now for their first trek in their first country! How will they react? Emotions flair, egos are damaged, women beat their male teammates and photos of my daughter ARE EVERYWHERE! Stay tuned to the next chap--- I-I mean, episode. Maes Hughes signing off!"

* * *

A/N- Yep! First chapter. The teams will meet in the next chapter and will be introduced to their first mission. It should also be longer, since this was just the intro. Wheeee, this is fun! And, if you didn't get the whole Wrath/Moofy thing… Ask someone. My friends and I took it and ran with it. Moofy is Wrath before he knew he was Wrath. That's why he's not wanting to kill anyone at the moment. 

Don't ask why I did that. I just wanted to torture Envy. Merherher. Reviews produce vitamins and minerals to keep bones healthy and strong! Thanks for reading!


	2. They Gather!

**Author's Notes:** I just got done playing Katamari Damacy… So much rolling…! I think I accidentally rolled my brain up in it at some point. So I apologize in advance if this chapter sounds drugged!

I was also surprised to find I spelled 'Elicia' right! I thought, 'Oh, crap… They're all gonna kill me…' then I looked in my Newtype at the character page and shouted, 'HOT DOG! I ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING RIGHT…!' I am just… amazed.

Thanks so much for the reviews! Honestly, I didn't think I'd get any! But I now have the power to CONTINUE! YES! Why yes, I DO talk too much! Thanks for asking!

Oh, and be warned; this chapter is LOOOOONG. Go ahead and take a potty break once in awhile. :P

* * *

_The Amazing Race_

Ch. 2; 'They Gather…'

---

Where was everyone running to…? Why, the first mission, of course!

Ed and Winry had gotten a jump on the rest of the contestants. They had woken up early, did their business, and managed to come out ahead above the other teams. This is irrelevant, however, because the race had yet to start. And if by 'gotten a jump on the rest of the contestants' you mean the much kicking and screaming that young vertically-challenged Edward performed.

Poor Winry. She had to endure all the mental suffering. _So, this is the thanks I get…_ She had thought to herself that fateful morning as she dragged Ed out the door by his hair. _This is the thanks I get for putting up with your crap all these years, Edward. I swear, ONE OF THESE DAYS…_

Then Winry instantly felt guilty. _Oh… j-just… Nevermind._

Now they were on their way to the meeting point in an undisclosed location. Each contestant had no idea where they were going to or even if they'd make it back in time to watch _The Sopranos_. Ah, the suspense was building…

About half a mile down the road, the two friends could see the outline of a faint figure shouting things into a microphone, looking up at the sky. A ray of sunlight was shining down upon him.

"What?" the figure was shouting at the sky through the mic. "No! I can't go back yet! … Because I have to host a show, that's why! … Well, tell Lincoln I'll have tennis practice later! … I KNOW IT'S NOT AS GOOD AS JEOPARDY! Stop making fun of me…"

Meanwhile, Winry was dragging Ed by his coat. He had taken it off long ago do to the scorching heat and was now holding it in one hand as he dragged on the ground.

"It's too hot… I can't… I can't take it…"

"We're almost there, Ed. Stop your complaining." Winry was NOT in the mood. Not only was she the one who passed out earlier, now she was dragging her companion and trying desperately to make it to the meeting point so the fic could get movin'.

The alchemist put a hand behind his head, as he was drug along. "The heat… So unbearable…" he grinned evilly. "OH, THE HUMANITY--- OOF!"

"Go drag yourself." Winry muttered, as she dumped Ed alongside the road. She dropped the coat on his head and walked on. Nice going, Ed.

After realizing the ride had stopped, Ed immediately stood up, grabbed his coat, and ran off to Winry. "OH, C'MON, WINRY! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! REALLY!"

--

"Wow, it's taking everyone a really long time to get here…" Hughes replied from his chair in the middle of the field. He checked his watch.

"Well, sir…" the nasally voice replied from behind the camera. "We DID make them come here from their own homes…"

Hughes blinked. "Hm. Maybe we should have given them a train or something."

He looked over at the cameraperson in boredom. Then he pulled out a photo album and grinned. "I KNOW! C'mere, I wanna show you something…"

"Not _again_, Hughes…"

--

"THERE! THERE HE IS!" Winry cried, her eyes bugging out. "WE MADE IT! OH, SWEET NIGHT, WE MADE IT! … Ed? Are… Are you there? Ed…?"

She looked every which way to find her lost companion. "Edo…? AHH! Um… Is… Is something wrong, Ed?"

Sure enough, there was her beloved Edward. Her beloved, zombified Edward. His eyes had dark circles and his skin looked like someone had left him in a sauna for five weeks. His golden eyes were gaping at her, wide and bulging. Poor zombified, crispy Edward.

"You…" the small blond pointed at her demonically. "YOU did this…"

"Uh, d-did what, Edo-kun…?"

"Don't GIVE ME THAT '_Oh, Edo-kun…'_ CRAP!" Ed replied in a high mimicking voice. "You left me to DIE! And get eaten by the WOLVES!"

Winry cocked her head to one side, her long ponytail bouncing innocently. "Wolves? There're no wolves here… I swear, what is it with you and Envy and wolves?"

Ed began to retaliate, but was cut off by a former military friend smacking him on the back with a loud _THWAP!_ Edward fell over like an extra crispy turkey on Thanksgiving. … Or something to that extent.

"EDWARD ELRIC!" Hughes shouted. "How've ya been? Boy, have you missed a lot. You guys should have come here sooner! Man, me and Mildred really hit it off!"

Hughes motioned towards the source of the mysterious nasally voice, Mildred. The old woman was sitting in the chair, with photo albums surrounding her, looking like she had just gotten hit by a cement truck.

"Please… Kill me."

Winry blinked and looked suspiciously at Hughes. Hughes just laughed. "Ohohoho, yes. Ahem. Anyway! It seems that you two are the first team to arrive! But, of course, we all know that's irrelevant because the race hasn't started. Nice try, though!"

Zombie Ed glared up at Hughes with bloodshot eyes. He began to get up from the ground. "You mean… This woman pulled me out of bed at three A.M. … FOR NO REASON? I OUGHTA---"

"Take a _nap_, Ed." Winry replied, conking him on the head with her wrench.

"Hm." Muttered Hughes. "Aren't they the happy couple…"

"… Please? I PROMISE I won't get chocolate on everything this time. I know how important that snakeskin miniskirt of yours was!"

"Enough about the freakin' MINISKIRT! And for the last time… I. DON'T. HAVE. ANY. CHOCOLATE! Get it through your head!"

"But Lust said…"

"Lust was in a drunken stupor! She ran around singing 'Like A Virgin' for three hours! What was your first clue?"

Edward, Winry, and Hughes stared at the next team trotting down the path. Hughes looked at his clipboard. _Hm… Looks like Team 4… Envy and… is that 'Moofy'? What neurotic fanboy came up with that? … 'The Inerasable Sins'? Huh…_

Hughes bent down next to Ed, pointed to his clipboard and whispered, "Hey, is 'inerasable' a word?"

Ed eyed the page. "Does it look like I know?"

Suddenly, Envy's shrieking was heard. "EIIIIIIIEEEEE! GET OFF ME, DEMON!"

Wrath flailed around on the older sin's shoulders. "But I just wanted some chocolate!"

Hughes took this as the time to welcome the second team to arrive. He ran to them and plucked Wrath off of Envy, Wrath giving him one last kick to the head. Envy shouted in pain.

"Hey! Put me down! _NNMMM!_" Wrath cried, biting Hughes's hand, who immediately dropped the evil child.

"Gah!" cried Hughes, mourning over his hand. "Well, hello to you to! Jeez!"

Envy strutted over towards the group, rubbing his head angrily. "You'd think a little pity kick from a child would hurt me… Mmm?"

The palm-tree haired sin stopped mid-sentence and looked at the small teen lying on the ground. Winry was lecturing him on sleeping late, whining, leaving the iron on, and all that. She was waving her trusted wrench the Elrics had made her threateningly in his face.

"Well, well, well…" Envy muttered to himself. He walked over to where his enemy lay. "What do we have here? Who would have thought you were running in this race!"

"What?" Ed looked up to see who was talking to him. He waved a hand dismissively. "Oh. It's just Envy."

The blond rolled over onto his side and began to fight with Winry. Envy sighed and hit Ed on the shoulder. "Oi! Listen to me when I'm talking to ya!"

Ed rubbed his shoulder. "Eh."

"Why you little---" Envy gritted his teeth, but was interrupted by a flying granny. "What the…"

"HIIIIIIIIYA!"

"HOLY FRICKIN'…! SOMEBODY GET THIS GRANDMA OFF ME!" Envy cried as Pinako beat on his head like a rabid squirrel.

Of course, Armstrong was in the background cheering his teammate… Well, sort of. The Mr. Clean sparkles obstructed his view a bit, so he was just playing by ear. "Good JOB, Pinako! I KNEW you could take him down!"

Envy tried desperately to get Pinako off his head, running around like a chicken with its head cut off. "Hey! Guy with the microphone! Yeah, YOU. OUCH! A little HELP?"

Hughes sighed loudly and pushed his glasses further on the bridge of his nose. He checked his watch once again. "We have to get this show on the road… Aw, great. No _All My Children_ tonight…"

The former military man walked over to Envy and plucked Pinako off his shoulders this time. And with a 'Put me down, sonny!', Pinako took off towards Armstrong and began to arm wrestle.

"It's the hair. It's ALWAYS the hair… Hmph." Envy nonchalantly began to sproing his hair back into place.

"… No, wait! Miss Hawkeye! I apologize!"

"For _what_? Being the most perverted monkey on the planet?"

This time Hughes didn't need the checklist. _I'd know that apology anywhere!_

Sure enough, Riza ran as fast as she could and jogged over to host Hughes. "Hello, Hughes! Nice to see you again!"

Doesn't anyone find this odd that he just came down from Heaven to host a TV show? Just wondered.

"I'm great! Been watchin' over stuff, a little tennis on the side, y'know. The usual. Nice to see you, Riza." Hughes looked behind Riza, where the colonel was bringin' up the rear. "Hello to you too, Roy."

"Ehh…" Roy breathed a sigh of exhaustion and collapsed.

"GASP! MUSTANG COLLAPSED!" Ed's radar went off as he immediately regained composure, ran up to the raven-haired comatose colonel, and began poking him with a large stick. "EHEHEHEH! WHO'S THE MONKEY NOW, MUSTANG!"

"NOOOO! I GET TO EAT HIM FIRST!" came a cry that everyone recognized and feared. Sometimes.

Gluttony made a jump for Roy, but Ed fended him off.

"Take this, you rat!" Ed shouted, clonking Gluttony on the head.

Gluttony fell over and began rolling on the ground. "Oh, drat… Not again…"

"I'm going to roll you off the Rio Grande, you poor excuse for existence." Ed muttered, ready for Gluttony's final blow.

A deep voice appeared behind Edward, making him shiver slightly. "If anyone's going to kill him, it's me. He's my partner…" Scar grabbed the stick from Ed's hands. "… Let me do it."

"GAAAAH! NOOOOO!" Gluttony rolled himself off towards Envy.

"What's that screaming…?" Envy muttered and saw the giant ball that was Gluttony careening towards him. "ACK! GLUTTONY! NO!"

Hughes was chatting it up with Riza and the now awake Roy.

"So, do you think this story will go anywhere soon?" Hughes asked. "I AM the host, and all."

"How in the world should I know?" Roy replied sharply. "I've been knocked out three times already. I'm a little rattled…"

"And a fourth time is a possibility. You know that, Mustang." Riza threatened. He wasn't nearly this bad in the office… Well, save for the little miniskirt monologue.

Hughes stood up and stretched. "Welp, guess we better get this party started… Wait a minute." He looked around at the happy group surrounding him, counting. "We're missing someone."

Roy looked around. "Who?"

"You forget about younger Elric? I think he's paired with his teacher…" Hughes scratched his head and looked around quizzically.

"Ahem. FORMER teacher."

"Gack! … Oh, you must be… Izumi." Hughes replied, looking at his clipboard, frightened at the sudden presence.

"I must be."

Hughes blinked. _What a… _strong looking _woman._ "Um… yeah. Where's your partner?"

Izumi made a dismissive motion. "Oh, he's comin'. C'MON, ELRIC! PICK UP THE SLACK!"

"I-I'm coming, Izumi-sensei!" Metal clunking was heard rapidly running towards the groups' direction. Sure enough, there was Alphonse, carrying massive amounts of cardboard boxes with first aid kits falling out of his armor. Other miscellaneous medical supplies were exploding from the boxes.

"We made a little detour on the way here. Nothing serious." Izumi replied.

Al made his way to the group in good time. He stopped at Hughes and dumped all the junk he was carrying on the ground with a thud. "Just some stuff for the road!"

Hughes looked down at the supplies, as well as Roy and Riza. Roy muttered a quick 'Alrighty, then…' and turned the other direction. Al rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"AAAAAL!" came a girlish shriek. "PLEASE BE MY PARTNER! I'M SORRY ABOUT BILL! REALLY! HELP ME, PLEEEEEASE!"

"Oh, brother…!" Al began to run after his silly older brother, who was now being dragged around and beaten by Winry the Super Mechanic. But then he remembered Bill. "No. I'm sorry, brother. I just… I just need some time."

"GAH HAAAA!" came a frightened cry from Ed. Geez, Winry, Prozac much?

"No! Gluttony, I am NOT your partner. This was YOUR fault, not mine." Envy scolded Gluttony as he rolled him over to Scar.

"But… But… I can't spell!"

"It's not my fault you can't spell." Envy snapped.

"I'm… I'm sorry…"

"SURE you are." Envy rolled his eyes. "How did you get 'SCAR' out of 'ENVY', you pinball reject?"

"I… I don't know…"

Wrath moved closer to Armstrong. How could one man be this ripped? Little Moofy was in awe. Yes, Armstrong was huge, but man, check out the granny! Wrath switched his vision to watch Pinako, who was nearly beating the pants off Armstrong. Amazing…

Armstrong sparkled furiously… Pinako's glasses gleamed… It was a battle of the shiny…!

"Go get'em, grandma!" Wrath suddenly shouted. He smiled widely, looking frightening and cute at the same time. "You can do it!"

And sure enough, with a last 'HIIIIIYA!' Pinako slammed Armstrong's arm on the ground. Wrath clapped wildly and cheered, while Pinako showed off her muscles.

"Thanks, kid!" Pinako high-fived Wrath. "I needed the boost before the big race!"

Something in Hughes and the authoress snapped. _OH! The race!_

"I honorably COMMEND your triumph over myself in our heated MATCH!" Armstrong congratulated Pinako. "That was truly a test of my skill!"

"HEY GRANDMA!" came a cry from Ed somewhere. "How about getting OVER HERE and beating up your granddaughter for me!"

"Oh, dear…" Pinako stopped posing and hit grandma mode. "Winry! You put that boy down right now!"

"Not now, grandma!" came the faint voice of Winry.

"_Heheh… This is gettin' good!_" Mildred the cameraperson recorded every minute of what was going on. "Hey, Hughes! Let's call the race off, eh? I know! We'll lock'em in a room for three weeks and see what happens!"

Hughes ran over to Mildred. "I don't think so, Mildred. We'll have the government on our cases like Gluttony on the rump roast of a bison. We better start the race!"

"Aww…" Mildred whined, but continued to film.

Hughes cleared his throat and raised the mic to his mouth. "ALL RIGHT! EVERYBODY FREEZE!"

The entire group froze and stuck their hands in the air.

"That's good! We're on the same track, here!" Hughes replied. "Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to start the race…"

Everyone began to mutter and chat amongst themselves. Hughes growled slightly and took a deep breath. "WHO WANTS TO SEE MY PICTURES?"

Everyone shut up.

"'Kay!" Hughes began again. "Now, I'm assuming we all know the rules! Every team composed of two people will begin their trek to many places around the world! To get from place to place, there will be cards in envelopes that tell you where to go and how to get there.

There is also a Fast Forward card hidden in some of the envelopes. If you're lucky to get such a card, that team may use it to go directly to the finishing point for that place. But once it's used, it can't be used again. So choose wisely! You all must go through every obstacle it takes to get there. No short cuts. Sometimes there will be an alternate choice in place of a certain obstacle, but they may be slower. There may be a special prize for the group that comes in first. And remember: the last team that gets there is eliminated! Got all that?"

Everyone stared ADD-like at the host.

"I'll take that as a YES!" Hughes cried. "Now every team grab ONE vehicle and head off to your first destination! Ready… Set… GO!"

The entire group of teams began to scream like mad and charged right over Hughes. They ran as fast as they could to get to their vehicle first. It was like a herd of cattle stampeding towards a cliff. It was absolute chaos and confusion…!

"GET IT, EDWARD! GET THE CAR!"

"Out of my way, you immoral slob."

"GO PINAKO! FLY TO THE CAR! FEEL THE WIND UNDER YOUR FEET…!"

"NO ENVY! DON'T LEAVE ME BEHIND--- ACK! PUT ME DOWN!"

"GO ALPHONSE! GO! DON'T LET THIS GROUP OF SISSIES BRING YOU DOWN!"

"GO, ROY! … WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU STOPPING FOR?"

"HEHEH! BETTER LIGHT A FIRE UNDER IT, MUSTANG!" Ed replied, suddenly speeding past the colonel.

"Oh, I'm just getting started!" Roy replied, speeding up quickly.

"GLUTTONY! Get off the ground! What do you think you're doing?" Scar shouted, as Gluttony rolled uncontrollably. He reached one of the vehicles and hopped in, grabbing Gluttony by the shirt and flinging him in the back. "You moron."

"Yes! I got it, Ed! Hurry up!" Winry cried, opening the door to the vehicle. She grabbed Ed's arm and helped him in.

"Quick! The card!" Ed cried as he grabbed it and began to read it quickly.

"We're going to the airport, Hawkeye! Hold on!" Roy cried, shifting the vehicle into gear.

"Alright, Alphonse!" Izumi cried, hopping into the seat. Al sat in the back, watching over her shoulder as she read the card. "Where the heck…"

"Izumi! Look!" Al cried as Winry and Ed sped past them.

"AHAHAHAHA!" Winry cried as she drove like a madwoman. "WHOO-HOO!"

"Uh, Winry? Maybe I should drive. You're not… stable."

"NOT A CHANCE, ED!"

Envy picked Wrath up by the shirt and tossed him into the backseat. "WRATH! Get out of the seat! I'm driving!"

"But I wanna…"

"You can't even see over the steering wheel!" Envy cried, shutting the driver's seat door and reading the card.

"ALL RIGHT, Pinako! Magnificent job!" Armstrong cried.

"You just read the card and hold onto your shorts, son! SHIFT INTO TURBO!"

Pinako and Armstrong zoomed off, with Envy and Wrath bringing up the rear close behind them.

All was silent. Hughes stood up shakily, his glasses bent. He dusted himself off and coughed once. "Well. That was interesting.

"Game shows." Muttered Mildred. "They bring out the beast in people."

"You can say that again… Did you see Winry? Man." Hughes scratched his head. What had he gotten himself into?

--

_HONK HONK!_

"OFF THE ROAD, MUSTANG!"

"ED! GET BACK IN THE CAR!" Winry screeched insanely, speeding up to 75 miles per hour.

_Ignorant little…_ Mustang gritted his teeth and put the pedal to the metal.

"Watch it, Roy! You're going to get us killed!" Riza shouted over his shoulder from the back seat. "Don't let him get to you!"

Roy growled slightly. "I know what I'm doing, Hawkeye!"

Envy and Wrath, who started up last, had been passing lanes like crazy, nearly running innocent civilians off the road. Everyone was now on the freeway heading into the city.

"Mind if I pass?" Envy shouted out the window at Winry and Ed's vehicle. He chuckled loudly.

"Why you…!" Winry scowled and sped up even more.

Ed began screaming in the backseat and grabbed onto Winry's seat for dear life. "WINRY, NO! GAAAAAAH!"

"Envy! Please stop! I think I'm going to puke…" Wrath begged, turning pale.

"Well, keep it back there, kid! I'm driving!"

Scar was mixed in with the group in the middle. He knew what he was doing and was coming at a pretty good clip, but had enough sense to keep control over the vehicle. Gluttony, on the other hand, was making it nearly impossible.

"But… Where are we going?"

"Just shut up and you'll see when we get there!"

"But…" Gluttony stared at the road ahead over Scar's shoulder. "Where are we going?"

"SHUT UP!"

Al looked at the map that came with the card. "Um, Izumi-sensei, I think you're going the wrong way…"

"What makes you say that, Al?" Izumi replied, keeping her eyes on the road.

"Well," Al began and pointed at another vehicle that turned off, as well as the rest of the groups. "Because brother's in the back seat giving Mustang the finger and going _that_ way."

Izumi looked at Al through the mirror. "What? Are you serious…?"

Izumi pulled a violent U-turn and began speeding off in the other direction, a string of curses flowing. Everyone headed off into the city; Destination: airport.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Wow. I am SO sorry for all of that. XD I was having a little too much fun, there. I just realized I made Envy kinda mean. I mean, more than usual. And Winry sounds like she needs some medication. Maybe Ed'll get her some. Well, that's the second chapter! 

I don't think the others will be so long. But, uh, no guarantees. Hope you liked it! This was a blast to write. Please overlook some OOC-ness that is likely to plague this fic. XD I'm such a spaz.

I probably won't be able to respond every review all the time, but I'll go ahead now. Yay!

**crazyanimefreak15 **& **Shiruba Neko** – Whoa, talk about contradiction. XD I'm not 100 sure who'll be eliminated first. It'd be kinda sad to get rid of Scar and Gluttony, since they're a pretty interesting team. XP It's really hard to decide! Thanks for the comments!

**AnimeDutchess** – That's hilarious! You're right, I had no idea. XP I'm sure the cow would be proud to share his name with a Sin.

Cow- MOOOO!

**Fading wind** – Thanks for the comments! I thought it was a pretty interesting idea. Glad you like it!

**Pichu172B** – OHH! I SHOULD have had them in there! That would have been hilarious! Dagnabbit. They'll HAVE to make an appearance now. XD Silly military.

**KalliopeStarmist- **Whoa, I just got your review when I put this chapter up! XD Thanksh! And yes! Support Moofy Awareness!

Thanks for the comments! I'm very grateful! I think I should end this now. It's only the second chapter… Jeepers. I'm frightened for myself. Oh, and I know 'inerasable' is a word. G'bye!


	3. Leaving Mexico

**Author's Notes: **Another long chapter! Longer than the last one! Man. Well, I don't do much. I go here and there, do this and that, then I come home and sit on my butt all day and write fanfiction. Oh well. Thanks for all the reviews!

I wish school didn't have to start… High school sucks. Oh, and for the record, my Spanish makes children cry. I'm the person spacing out and staring at the funny chalk dust in the chalk tray that the teacher makes fun of. In Español. So I don't even know what she's calling me in front of the entire class… At least she has someone to use as an example. _Gracias, Señora M._ Thanks a whole freaking lot.

But they have to go to other countries. I chose Mexico first because I… Well… Studied it to some extent. And I don't know any other languages. But I'm making sure they get outta there quick. My rant's done. Have fun, chillin's.

* * *

_You know what story this is! I don't need to put this here anymore, do I? Hmm?_

---

"NO WINRY! You're going the wrong way! STOP!"

Winry turned the wheel sharply and spun out of control, nearly sending Ed flying out the window. _That_ wouldn't have been good. Unless he bounced, but Winry decided that probably wouldn't happen. "I know what I'm doing, ED! Keep it down back there!"

Ed slammed the open window shut and blew his hair off his face. "Woman, you have NO CLUE what you're doing! Winry, you're insane!"

"EDWARD!" Winry emitted a shrill yell, making Ed cringe. "I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING! Now shut up or you're going to take the expressway into the city!"

"You almost hit a squirrel!" Ed cried. "An innocent baby SQUIRREL! I'm sorry, but that's where I draw the line!"

"So what?" Winry cried back. She looked in her mirror and saw Crazy Granny Pinako on her tail. "Envy almost hit every civilian on the road and you're all over me about a SQUIRREL?"

Pinako chuckled to herself. "Heheh. Sorry to do this to ya, hon."

_BANG!_

Ed and Winry jumped at the sudden harsh jolt of the vehicle.

"What the heck was that?" Winry searched her mirrors frantically while trying to keep her eyes on the road.

Ed swung around and glanced out the back window. Pinako and Armstrong were laughing hysterically, leaving a trail of sparkles behind them.

"It's… It's granny!" Ed yelled back. "S-She's tailgating!"

Winry clenched her teeth angrily. "Grandma…"

"AHAHAHA! Good job, Pinako!" Armstrong congratulated Pinako once again. Pinako had to dodge some sparkles that headed her way.

"Whoa! Better watch that, sonny."

--

"I can't believe they got ahead!"

"Wow, Envy, you're breaking a lot of traffic laws."

Envy growled. "And since when did you become the sage of traffic violations?"

Wrath shrugged. This was SO boring. Sure, going 82 miles per hour in a 60 mile zone was thrilling, but it got pretty old after awhile. He enjoyed watching the pretty sparkles The Odd Team's vehicle left behind, and thought it was funny when Envy got all huffy over some vehicle passing him. But, cuss words got old and WAY too overused. They just weren't fun anymore.

He sighed heavily and turned around to the back window. "Hey, Envy?"

"What?"

"Who had the vehicle with the bright, spinny lights?"

"WHAT?"

--

Al sat in the backseat twiddling his thumbs, afraid to say anything for fear of getting thumped by his former teacher. "So…"

"DON'T TEST MY PATIENCE, ALPHONSE!"

"But I wasn't…"

"IS THAT A THREAT?"

"But sensei! I didn't say…"

"HUSH!" Izumi yelled. "You talk too much, Al."

The large suit of armor slunk back in his seat and sighed. _Sigh… No one listens to me. Hm. I wonder why there're no more vehicles around?_ "Um, sensei? If you'll just allow me to say one…"

"ALRIGHT! THAT'S IT!" Izumi screamed and slapped her steering wheel. Al jumped. "What? What is SO important that you have to bother me over and over?"

"Ah…" Al stuttered. He wanted his brother. "I-It's just… Th-There's no one around a-and…"

Izumi snapped, "WE'RE NOT LOST!"

"O-Okay…"

"It's a short cut! Geez, Alphonse. Don't you know the rules of the road?"

Al glanced down at his map and card. He reread the rules again and his eyes widened. "Izumi-sensei, it says short cuts aren't allowed…"

"So?"

"We have to go back or we'll be disqualified!"

--

_Crunch. Munch. Slobber. Crunch._

Scar tried to control himself. "Gluttony… Stop chewing on the seat."

"B-But… I just can't."

"Stop. Chewing. The seat."

"I'm sorry, no…"

"GLUTTONY, STOP CHEWING THE SEATS!" Scar screamed, nearly loosing control of the vehicle. Gluttony freaked out, flew against the window, and fell back into the fetal position. "Listen to me. I am sick and tired of this whole thing already. This is ALL your fault that I'm in the state I'm in right now. So just SIT DOWN and SHUT. YOUR. MOUTH."

Gluttony whimpered, covered his head, and secretly began licking the seat.

"I swear. I never thought I'd be working with such an imbecile." Scar mumbled, getting a migraine. Suddenly, he heard honking coming from behind. "What the…"

"Move it, Scar! You're vehicle's in the way!" Roy Mustang chuckled to himself as he tried to get around the large vehicle.

_That idiot_. "Why don't you go bother someone else, Military Man?" Scar yelled back. He wasn't much for confrontation. _He'll be going home with his tail between his legs._

"Alright, Roy, now you're getting too wild!" Riza yelled, trying to keep Roy from wrecking.

"I already told you, Riza, if we don't get ahead of everyone here, we'll loose for sure!" Roy replied.

Riza emitted a frustrated sigh. "I've just about had it with you, Mustang. Why did I even agree to this? Someone tell me."

Roy smirked. Then something got his attention. He looked a ways ahead to see Ed's head sticking out of the window trying to get Pinako to back off.

"Fullmetal's in first…" Roy muttered to himself. "And he's yelling obscenities at elderly women…"

"What was that?" Riza asked.

"Elric's vehicle's in first!" Roy shouted, surprised.

"Winry's the one driving. Didn't you see her this morning?" the blond woman replied. "She tried to make Ed a living corpse."

"Hmm." Roy looked around at the other vehicles. He saw a stopped vehicle up ahead. "What's going on here…?"

--

"So your name's 'Envy', huh?" The officer asked, eating a bowl of Cocoa Puffs. "I need to see your driver's license."

Envy put his hands on his hips and scoffed. "'Scuse me, what?"

"Your driver's license, ma'am. Do I need to shpell it out for ya?"

"No, you _don't_ need to 'shpell' it out. Now let me go, I gotta get back in the race."

The officer shook his head and took a big bite of his cereal. "No can do. You know how fasht you were goin'?"

Envy walked up to the officer's face. "_Listen,_ Captain Cocoa Puffs; I am in a race against every enemy I've ever met, I've got a snot nosed brat named Moofy in the backseat, I'm not a woman and THAT LITTLE GLOB OF SNOT ELRIC'S IN FRONT! Now let me go or I'll make you implode Cocoa Puffs from the inside out!"

The officer stopped and glared with wide monkey eyes at the screaming sin. He blinked once. "You got a kid named Moofy in there?"

"That's it." Envy muttered. He walked over to the car, got in the driver's seat and slammed the door shut. He began to drive off.

"Hey, you! Get back here!" Lord of the Cereal took two steps and froze. "Well, I've done all I can do."

He took a giant bite of his cereal. Suddenly, his vehicle imploded Cocoa Puffs, spewed fire and pieces of his beloved car flew everywhere! The officer froze, dropped his bowl, and stared at his dead car. He twitched.

--

"Holy crap!" Ed screamed, his golden eyes widening into orbs at the sight of the exploding car. It was now a giant pile of black, smoking ashes and cereal. "Winry, did you see that?"

"NOT NOW, ELRIC! I'M DRIVING!"

Ed scowled. "What's with the attitude today, Winry? Geez. Go flush your head or something."

"SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUUUUUP!"

The alchemist covered his ears tightly as Winry started screeching about monkeys, flying pigs, and not getting any respect.

_Man, does it say anything on this card about taking a rest? I'm hungry. _Ed thought to himself. He slumped down in his seat and read over the card. _No, it just says get to the… What is that, 'aeropuerto'? What the frig does that mean?_

Ed didn't have much time to ponder, for Winry had a plan of her own. "Winry, what are you… WINRY! THAT'S MY JACKET!"

"AAAAHAHAHAHA! EAT THIS, GRANDMA!" Winry stuck her head out the window and flung her teammates large red coat out the window at the rammin' granny behind her.

"LOOK OUT PINAKO!" Armstrong yelled, performing some emergency poses. "There's a giant red piece of cloth hurling towards your windshield thus obstructing your view from the road!"

"I know that, son, pipe down!" Pinako braced herself for the obstacle ahead. "Hold on!"

Surprisingly, with the greatest of ease, Pinako managed to change lanes just in time to avoid the jacket. It was quite an impressive feat, considering she was going almost as fast as Winry. That'll teach you to respect your elders.

"Curses…" Winry muttered. "She dodged it. You got lucky this time, granny. _This _time."

"M-My jacket…!" Ed watched as his beloved coat flew through the air, away from its owner. "Winry, how could you?"

--

"ROY! LOOK OUT!"

"ARGH!"

The red jacket landed on Roy and Riza's windshield, thus obstructing their view from the road. He swerved all over the place, nearly running into a lonely semi driver.

"Hey, watch it, Mustang!" A brown-haired woman with a suit of armor in the backseat shouted.

"Yay! We made it!" a voice echoed from the armor. "See? We're not deadbeats after all, sensei!"

Izumi tried to avoid the vehicle running all over the road. "We will be if this moron doesn't get off the road! HEY! Back off!"

The flame alchemist quickly reached out the window, grabbed the sleeve of the jacket, and threw it as far as he could. He sighed and gritted his teeth. "_Elric…"_

Meanwhile, little Edward was in hysterics.

"That's it Winry! You need to pull over!"

Winry's eyes were wide and bloodshot. "No way, Elric! We're in first place! There's no stopping us now…!"

All of a sudden, the car emitted a loud banging noise and jolted. Ed, who wasn't buckled, hit his head on the top of the car.

"GAH!" he cried, rubbing his head. "What now?"

Winry began kicking the gas pedal repeatedly in a rage. "NO! NO! NO! NO! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?"

"What is it?" Ed asked, looking over Winry's shoulder. Both of them glanced at the gage as the speed began to decline.

_85… 72… 55… 31… 15…_

"NO!" Winry shouted, her hair standing on end. "Why? Why is this happening?"

"You broke the car, Winry! Nice job!" Ed smacked the back of her seat and fell back into his. The vehicle came to a stop.

--

Envy began beating on his steering wheel and ramming the gas pedal. "What the…?"

"What's the matter, Envy?" Wrath asked innocently, eating stolen Cocoa Puffs.

The green haired sin hit his head repeatedly on the steering wheel as the vehicle came to a slow stop. "The car crapped out."

--

"C'mon, Ed! Can't you go any faster?" Winry yelled as she got out of the vehicle and began to run.

"Well, excuse _me_, Miss Prozac! I woke up at three this morning and _someone_ left me out in the sun to rot!" Ed replied, tired and dark circles appearing under his eyes. "Excuse me if I'm not exactly Speedy Gonzales!"

Winry ran over to her disgruntled teammate, picked him up, and held him over her head like a modern-day Xena.

"WINRY! NO!" Ed shouted, flailing all over the place. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Going to get us some help! We're in a footrace now!" Winry shouted back.

"And everyone else is in cars! This is so unfair…"

--

"Envy! Gimme back my Cocoa Puffs!"

Envy held the cereal just out of little Wrath's reach. "Then get out of the car!"

Wrath sighed and hopped out of the vehicle. Envy reluctantly gave him back his Cocoa Puffs and began to drag him off to get help. "I don't want to here ANY complaining from you right now. Got that?"

Wrath didn't hear a word. He was too busy with his Cocoa Puffs. Envy was glad someone mistakenly invented cereal.

--

Winry had dragged Ed a little further down the road. She froze when she saw a bored looking man working in a booth. Maybe he could help a couple in need…

As Winry reached the booth, she chucked Ed to the ground and ran to the man. "Excuse me! … 'Scuse me, sir. We need to get to the airport, like, NOW. We're in a race and…"

The man looked at her like she was an ant eating a cockroach. Oh, ew. Sorry.

Edward jumped up and glared at the man. "Didn't you hear her? She said we need help! Are you deaf or what?"

Once again, the man glared at Ed like he had just flipped him the bird. Ed snapped. "Get them taters outta your ears and listen!"

"_N-No… No entiendo…"_

It was Ed and Winry's turn to glare. Ed's eye twitched. "What did he just say?"

"How should I know?" Winry threw her arms in the air. "I'll bet the authoress doesn't even know. She only made it to Spanish II and barely passed with a D."

Winry showed her distinctive knowledge for people not in the story.

"So… you're saying it's Spanish?" Ed squinted at the man, who in return stuck his tongue out at him.

"Probably. To some extent." Winry muttered, glaring at the authoress for sucking at other languages.

Ed sighed. "Aw, so he can't even understand a word we're saying?"

"He might…" Winry replied. But then she saw the look on the man's face, dazed and confused. Much like the one Ed had that morning. "… Might not."

Ed began to have a temper tantrum. He kicked the ground, cursed the sky and destroyed an entire ant colony. Poor little guys. They never bothered anyone. Except for completely grossing us out with the whole cockroach thing.

"Hush now, Ed. Don't freak out the nice man." Winry replied, grabbing Ed by the ankles and dragging him to his doom.

Ed scowled at Winry from the ground. "You've sobered up quite nicely, Winry."

"No, I still need some Prozac. And YOU'RE going to buy me some."

Ed sobbed and began to whine. "This is all your fault, Winry! You broke the car! Now we need to find some other way to get to the airport before everyone else!"

"No, this is _not_ my fault, Edward." Winry retorted. "It's the authoress's. Her Spanish makes children cry."

--

Envy walked up to a confused-looking man reclining in a booth. The sin walked up to him and slammed his fist on the booth. "Hey, you! Listen, our vehicle broke down some few miles back and we need a mechanic."

The man didn't even want to respond, fearful of another Ed and Winry incident. He slinked down into his seat and tried to hide.

Envy gritted his teeth. "Hey!"

"Envy, I don't think he can understand." Wrath explained through the innocent eyes of a child. "Please stop shouting…"

"This isn't my fault!" Envy growled at Wrath then turned back to the man. "We're in a race, here! And we're gonna lose if you don't do something!"

Wrath ate some Cocoa Puffs and replied flatly, "It's not his fault, Envy."

"IT'S NOT _MY_ FAULT!" Envy erupted. He grabbed Wrath's arm and began to pull him away.

But before he did, Wrath left the man some Cocoa Puffs. He waved to him as he was quickly pulled away. "Bye!"

The man glared at the Cocoa Puffs and waved back slowly.

"Ouch! Envy, leggo of my arm! You're pulling too hard!" Wrath whined, got free and continued his cereal.

Envy glared at the cereal in disgust and made a grab for it. "Gimme that!"

"Hey!"

Envy threw the Cocoa Puffs off into the sunset where they grew wings and were never seen again. How tragic.

Wrath began to whine over the loss of his cereal. "_En-N-vyyYYyy_…"

"Quit whining, brat! We're stuck in this stupid race, in case you forgot!" Envy replied. He grabbed the screaming Wrath by his black shirt and carried him that way back down the road.

"STOP IT! PUT ME DOWN!"

"No."

"I WANNA GO TO THE SLEEPING RACE!"

"I told you, I made that up!"

"I HATE YOU!"

"I hate you more."

"WAAAAAAH! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HATE ME! I'M A POOR DEFENSELESS CHILD IN NEED!"

"In need of a spanking." Envy muttered and began to run down the road.

--

"Alright! We made it!" Roy replied, running out of the parked vehicle and popping open the trucking. Inside were two giant travel backpacks. He put on the red one and tossed the blue one to Riza. "Quick! Put this on and follow me."

Riza quickly put the pack on and followed her perverted teammate into the airport entrance. Hundreds of people wandered around with lost looks on their faces. Roy and Riza fit in perfectly.

"Huh." Roy scratched his head. "Now what?"

Riza sighed loudly and grabbed the card. "'Go to the airport and check in for your tickets.' We're on flight 192, Mustang."

"Well, where the heck is that?"

Riza began heading off in another direction. "Never send a man to do a woman's job. Let ME be the navigator. You just follow for emotional support."

Roy's jaw dropped as he began to whine. "Emotional support…?"

He quickly ran to catch up with Riza. They began to run, for fear they were the last people to arrive. After all, it did take two chapters just to get past the freaking vehicle scene.

Eventually, they spotted a long counter with a row of workers handing out passes. They ran like rabid monkeys to a woman talking to a hobo at the counter.

"I'm sorry, sir. You can't where a kilt on the airplane. You MUST wear pants."

"I do not! It's a free country!"

"Not _that _free." The woman replied. "Please do us all a favor and follow my assistant into the back room to get some pants."

"No way!" the old gray hobo replied, crossing his arms under his long beard. "I've got the need to feel the breeze between my knees!"

"Ugh." Replied the woman. "And absolutely NO Ed, Edd, & Eddy references. Yolanda, take him away."

Yolanda, the assistant, grabbed the hobo and dragged him to the back room. He began to shriek and complain like they typically do. "NO! I WILL NOT BE ORDERED AROUND LIKE SOME SORT OF ANIMAL! I REFUSE…!"

The woman shook her head sadly like there were other things she could have been doing with her life. Phht. "Yes, can I help you?"

"Uh…" Roy replied. He was too busy looking at the woman's skirt. "So they… They let you dress like that here, huh?"

Riza put her head in her hands and sobbed.

"Um, yes. This is the typical uniform here…" the woman cringed slightly. "… Can I… help you?"

"Why, yes. Yes you can…"

"Can it, Roy." Riza smacked him upside the head with her backpack. Roy soared a few inches away and landed on the ground.

Riza began to get the tickets. A few seconds later, screaming began to erupt from everyone around them.

"CRAP! IT'S AN ISHBALAN!"

"Look at his tattoo! Smexy!"

"_Muy caliente…_"

"HE'S SO TALL! And… what is that thing beside him?"

"I dunno! Looks like an overdone jelly roll."

"Yeah, you're right… Hey, what are you--- AUUUGH! MY ARM! HE'S EATING MY ARM!"

Just as Roy and Riza were about to leave, Scar and Gluttony trotted happily over to the woman. Roy gasped at the sight of another team right on their tail. It's only been happening like, the entire story.

"Out of my way, _Mustang_. I've got a plane to catch." Scar replied deeply and shoved Roy out of the way.

Before the black-haired colonel could retaliate, Riza pulled him away. "Forget him! He's another team! Let's get to our flight. You can fight there."

Roy sighed. "Fine. You're the navigator."

---

**Author's Notes**: Believe it or not, this was going to go on even longer. I could stop! It was so horrible! I didn't even realize what I was doing until I saw I was on the eighth page. Again, I apologize.

I put a lot in the chapters because this fic would go on FOREVER if I didn't. I mean, every team except one needs to be eliminated. That's gonna take awhile. So, like I said, this may venture a bit from the original show. But I didn't think you guys would want to follow this that long. XD

Stay tuned for the infamous airplane ride and whatever happens afterwards! I'm having too much fun with this. I used to reply to reviews sometimes, now I'm doing it all the time. Wow…

**crazyanimefreak15, Kari Williams** – Thanks a bunch for the comments! Glad you liked it.

**Shiruba Neko** **– **Ooh! Thanks for the Pocky! I lurve Pocky! Especially the chocolate kind. Scar and Gluttony seem to be the most popular team. Well, it IS a pretty odd team… Thanks for the review!

**KalliopeStarmist** – Mwahaha. Yes, poor Mildred. Hughes would have been by himself; he needed someone to talk to. And share many, many birthday pictures with. Thankies for the review! (glomp)

**AnimeDutchess** – Off a cliff? I suppose that WOULD be pretty interesting… Really, it would. Hm… Thanks for the suggestion and review!

**Fading Wind** – Moofy awareness! Yes, evil Wrath is cute in a twisted sort of way. I like both, but I prefer Moofy, I guess. Not sure why. He's more fun to write for, I suppose. But that's just me. Thanks for the review!

**Kitsune Freak** – Oh, dear. Me appear in there? Well, I've done that in my past fics before. I either end up making fun or injuring myself severely, so I'm not there long. If it does happen, _I_ might be the one falling off the cliff. XD Thanks for reviewing!

**Aztec Goddess** – If I remember right, the Moofy thing was started on a board somewhere because some didn't know what to call him before he got all twisted. Technically, he was still Wrath, but it just didn't feel right, I suppose. He was too cute. And I made Gluttony cute? Wow… Scar and Gluttony are the fan favorite! It'd be hard to get rid of them that soon! Thanks for the comments!


	4. Airplane from Hades

**Author's Notes:** Sorry it took awhile to get this out! School's coming up and no one's in much of a good mood right now.

Oh, thanks to all who sent me the e-mail about the supposed new policy on responding to reviews. I must say I'm EXTREMELY frustrated with all their rules right now. What harm was anyone causing by responding to the readers? It let's the reviewers know that the writer actually cares enough to respond to every one. Someone needs to confront about their power complex. We're writing _FAN_fiction here, not the New York Times. Some of these rules are completely unnecessary. It's supposed to be fun.

Well, there's my little rant for this chapter. If any of you want to see this e-mail, let me know and I'll send it to you. It's an interesting read.

And I AM going to respond to all of your reviews at once: Thanks for taking the time to review the fic! It's much appreciated. Now… to the crack-story!

* * *

Roy and Riza had begun near last place and had bumped Ed and Winry out of the way, claiming first place. They walked quickly through the tunnel that would lead them to the airplane. They made their way inside the plane and searched for their seats. There were a few people already on board, chatting amongst their insignificant selves about foot fungus, macadamia nuts, and windshield wiper fluid. 

"Ahh, first class." Roy sighed happily. He glanced at his ticket. "_Seat 12…_ Let me guess; you're seat 13, right?"

"Nope." Riza replied, sitting in the seat across the isle. She took down her hair and began to relax after a hard day of Roy driving like an imbecile. "Seat 11."

Roy would have sobbed, but he was in the presence of a woman. Riza didn't like to see grown men cry. But if it was Roy, she _might_ make an exception.

The flame alchemist moseyed over to his seat and sat down. "Huh. Looks like I'm alone in this section…"

He glanced over a Riza again, who was halfway asleep already. Near death experiences really wore a person out. He reached across the seat beside him and began to mess with the window's covering. He flipped it up… and down… and up… and down…

_Flip._

_Flip._

_Flip._

Fli— 

"Cut it OUT." Riza muttered, turning away from her teammate angrily.

Roy stopped and began to occupy himself with something else. _Ooh, headphones… Snazzy. I wonder what radio stations they have…_ He reached over and pulled out the huge headphones from 1956. He put them on and glanced at his reflection in the window. It seemed the headphones were eating his head.

"Let's see… Just turn the knob…" Roy muttered to himself as he began to flip through the radio stations. All of a sudden, a VERY interesting song began to play. "Huh, what's this?"

"… _She liked all the bubblegum flavors! Red, yellow, pink, purple and greeeeeeeeen…"_

_Ooh, I like that!_ Roy began to boogie silently and began snapping his fingers. What a catchy and ANNOYING beat this song had!

--

"We made it! Yay!" Al celebrated with a small cheer as he stood outside the airport.

Izumi walked out of the car, her hair frizzled into a very stylish 'fro. "Save your cheers for later. Sigh. Let's go get those freakin' tickets."

They both grabbed their backpacks and wandered inside. Al opened up the envelope with the card inside. "To flight 192, sensei! We must march forward to our destiny, for we are the first--- What the…?"

"Heheheh!" came a grannified laugh from the ticket counter.

"Oh, look, sensei!" Al replied, all giddy. "It's old lady Pinako and Major Armstrong! Isn't that great?"

Izumi sighed. "Sometimes I wonder who put you in the washer as a child, Alphonse."

"Brother did. Why?"

"…"

"Oh, don't worry. Mom rescued me before I lost conscious."

While Izumi pondered on whether she should leave her giddy teammate at the next stop or not, Armstrong and Pinako were struggling.

"I told you, sir. All of our costumers MUST be fully clothed in order to board the flight."

"Listen here, missy." Pinako hopped onto the counter and smacked the woman on the other side with her pipe. "If he doesn't wanna wear a shirt, then he doesn't have to! I suggest you learn to respect your elders!"

The woman sighed. She had seen it all that day. Kilted geezers, drunk geezers, and now a sparkly guy that felt free enough not to wear a shirt. Where's the harm in that?

"I'm sorry. He can't board if he isn't fully clothed." The woman replied, popping some pills. "He may be a… _distraction_ to the other travelers."

Al and Izumi began to walk up to the counter for their tickets. The woman put the shirtless Armstrong problem on hold for the moment while she gave the other two their tickets. She wasn't even about to ask about the armor. Instead, she turned back to her other disgruntled customers.

Pinako shouted, crossing her arms. "Are you going to let us board or not? I'm telling ya right now, there could be a lawsuit in your future."

The woman at the counter, Melanie, snapped. "YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T CARE! GO SHIRTLESS! GO DRUNK! GO BUTT NAKED FOR ALL I CARE! I'M TIRED OF THIS CRACK HOUSE! I'm gonna pursue my first loved career as a professional diseased monkey trainer! AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME!"

Pinako blinked. Armstrong was staring. He hadn't done much. Izumi was confused and Al looked like he had to go to the bathroom.

"HERE!" Melanie shrieked and threw two pieces of paper at the team. "TAKE THE STUPID TICKETS! I'm outta here!"

And with that, Melanie no longer worked at the airport. Now she could be someone BIG. She could be… somebody.

Pinako chuckled evilly and jumped onto Armstrong's shoulders. "ONWARD, SONNY! TO FLIGHT 192!"

Al looked at Izumi with the bathroom stance. "Oh, dear! Granny got that woman fired… What should we do?"

Izumi glared forward and began to follow the other team to the plane. "We speak of this to no one."

--

"No, Gluttony. You will NOT sit beside me."

"But this is my seat…"

"I said NO. I can't even stand you being my teammate, much less sitting beside you for an entire plane ride." Scar lectured the tortured sin. "Go sit with Mustang."

"But that's… this is my seat…"

Scar growled, picked up Gluttony, and rolled him down the aisle of the plane like a frightened bowling ball. "GO SIT WITH ROY!"

"NOOOOOOO…!" Gluttony rolled down the aisle.

Meanwhile, Roy was having some problems of his own. Riza was asleep, so he had no one to talk to. But luckily, the radio station he was listening to kept playing the Bubblegum Song over and over and over and over! Roy was so lucky! He began to sing along about bubblegum and children with no lives.

"… _AAAALL of the bubblegum in the world… SHE HAD IT ALL! All the colors of the rainb---"_

"Can Torque sit here?"

"_RED YELLOW PINK PUR---_ Huh…?" Roy looked up. Towering above him was a very large, freakish ogre of a man wanting his seat. NOW.

"Torque's seat 13." The greasy man replied. "Torque need sit here NOW."

Roy lowered his eyes in disgust. "Well, that may be what it says on your ticket, but might I suggest you take the seat next to the tall, scary, tan man in the back?"

"I CAN'T STOP! SOMEBODY PLEASE…"

Why, it was Gluttony the bowling ball zooming at mach speed down the aisle towards poor Torque!

Torque reached down, picked Gluttony up by the nose, and flung him like a bad potato back to where he came from. The round sin landed in the seat beside his teammate.

"What the…! I thought I told you---" Scar replied threateningly.

"No good! I… I couldn't do it…" Gluttony held his hands up in self-defense. "I'm… I'm sorry…"

Torque turned back Roy and glared at him with his good eye. "Torque sit HERE---"

"Okay! Okay!" Roy chuckled. "N-No problem, Mr. Torque. Just… plant yourself right there. No trouble! There needn't be any pointless flinging of poor, defenseless humans, say, out of a _plane_, am I right?"

Torque sat his large rump in the window seat beside his new friend Roy. The whole plane turned a few degrees to the left. Roy tried to keep himself from being squished by his new friend, which meant giving up the armrest. It was a sad, sad day for Roy.

"Torque no like you."

Roy blinked and turned the other direction. "Well… alrighty then…"

Armstrong and Pinako filed onto the plane and sat beside each other in front of Scar and Gluttony. Izumi and Al followed shortly after, snagging the seats in front of the Odd Team. Al was so excited! So he began to knit a pretty pink sweater for his poor brother.

"Would somebody PLEASE get this kid off my case?" a yelled erupted through the plane.

"_ENVYYYYYY!"_

Envy let out a shriek and headed towards the back. He and Scar exchanged a few awkward glances and that was the end of that.

"Now, normally I wouldn't give two flying cows about this kid…" Envy tried to explain the situation the best way possible. "But I know when intervention is needed. GET ED AND HIS GIRLFRIEND AWAY FROM ME!"

"ENVY!" a shriek came from the entrance of the plane. There stood Ed and Winry, looking like a couple of hobos from Plotholeville. There were grass stains, leaves and sticks in their hair, tire tracks, you know.

Envy glared warningly at the two furious teens ready to shove him out the window. "Okay, I'm serious. Someone intervene NOW!"

"I'M GONNA RIP OUT ALL YOUR HAIR AND SELL IT ON E-BAY!" Ed cried, running down the plane aisle and jumping on Envy's shoulders. He began to pull on his hair like a rabid monkey. "GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT!"

After, much struggle, Envy had tossed Ed off. But this did not matter, for Ed was victorious. He ran back to native-girl Winry, who was looking dementedly at her laptop screen.

"I GOT IT!" Ed cried. He handed the hairs to Winry and crouched down beside her with the same possessed look on his face.

"YES… _Sell, my precious… Sell for us…"_ Winry muttered, setting up the page on E-Bay.

"Money… Money… Money…" Ed began to chant over her shoulder. "_We likes this, precious. Yes we does."_

Everyone on the plane was frightened. Some adults had already managed to jump through the window and many children were scarred for the rest of their lives. Tragic.

"Ehhhhhhh…" Envy began to crawl slowly to his seat, looking like a hurricane did a tap-dance on his head. He managed to make it to his seat, crawled in it, and began to rock back and forth in the fetal position. "It'll… It'll grow back… It always grows back…"

Wrath, who had been left behind after Winry and Ed struck, made his way onto the plane with 15 bars of chocolate. He saw Envy and ran over to him.

"Wow, Envy. You look sad." Wrath patted Envy on the shoulder. "Want some chocolate?"

"No…" Envy muttered. He raised a finger and began pointing at everyone on the plane. "I never want to see you again. Or you. Or you. Or… _them_…"

"It's selling… 164 bids already…" Winry muttered, clenching the green hairs in her hand. They had made their way to their seats unharmed. Physically.

"Eheh… Heheh… Heh…" Ed began to laugh like Bevis. "This is payback for telling us the wrong gas to put in the car, Envy… And making us last… And making our car crap out… And making Winry spaz… YOU ARE THE CAUSE OF ALL MY PROBLEMS…!"

"Ahem! May I have your attention please!"

Everyone looked around for the source of the girlish voice booming all around. Not very smart, are they?

"The flight will be taking off shortly! Please buckle and prepare for takeoff!"

"_Where_ is that coming from?" Ed squinted and looked around. Winry chucked the laptop out the window and was suddenly sober.

"It's the flight attendant, Ed. Geez, don't you know anything?" Winry replied. Ed flicked a lonely airline peanut at her. It grew wings and flew out the window, never to be seen again. Too bad.

"HELLO, ALL!"

"AAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEE!"

A girl in her teens suddenly stepped out from behind the curtain that led to the pilot and into first class. Everyone was frightened! Who was this evil person?

"Don't be frightened! Allow me to introduce myself!" the girl cleared her throat and began walking up and down the middle aisle. "I am Neko. I will be your flight attendant for the ENTIRE FLIGHT! Sucks to be you! Anyway, my favorite hobbies are writing you guys in many dense and moronic ways and singing show tunes. I'm a single white---"

"Hey you! What are you doing here?" a voice from the front of the plane replied. Everyone gasped as a woman in her undies appeared dramatic-like in front of the curtain. All the men got monster nosebleeds… 'Cept for Scar, of course.

"I must resist temptation…" Scar muttered. He looked up slightly and a small trickle of blood came from his nose. "NO! GAH!"

"YOU!" the scantily clad woman pointed at Neko demonically.

Neko froze and her fake pilot wings sticker fell off. "Eep! … NO! MY PILOT WINGS!"

"IMPOSTER!" the woman yelled. "THIS IS THE GIRL WHO THREW ME IN THE CLOSET AND TOOK MY CLOTHES FOR HER OWN SELFISH REASONS! I demand she be arrested at once!"

Neko threw her hat, which landed on Ed's head. He shrieked and threw the diseased hat out the window.

"Bring it on, old lady." Neko replied, flexing her nonexistent muscles.

"HIIIIIIIIYAAAA!" cried the woman as she ran down the aisle at Neko. Neko stepped to the side and the woman went crashing into Roy's seat.

"Oh…" Roy muttered and began to cry tears of joy. "_Thank you, God…_"

"EWWWW!" cried the woman as she leaped up and stomped over to Neko.

Neko put her hands on her hips. "Yo' mama!"

"Don't 'Yo' mama!' _ME,_ YOU SHORT FLAT-CHESTED MONKEY! I KNOW MORE KARATE THAN YOU'LL EVER SEE ON TELEVISION!" the woman shouted and did a nicely executed back flip. "HA! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!"

"HIIIIIIIIYA!"

Pinako had leapt out of her seat and went Yoda on the woman. "You are an insult to karate experts and pipe smokers all over the world!"

The woman was now a steaming pile of goo. She began to crawl her way back behind the curtain. "This isn't over…! I'll get you…"

The plane was silent for a moment. Neko had made her appearance, and no one much cared.

"Winry, I want off the plane." Ed began to mutter to his teammate.

"Hi!"

"YIPERS!" Ed jumped in his seat and nearly had an aneurysm. "What are you doing here?"

Neko was standing on the man in the seat behind Ed, looking over his head. "You're my favorite character, you know that?"

"That's… nice." Ed replied, trying to turn away. He couldn't care less. I can't blame him.

"I like to draw Ed fanart."

Ed twitched. "How… intriguing."

Neko looked around the plane for some reason, then back at her prey. "Yeah."

Winry looked up at Neko and blinked. Suddenly, she remembered something! "Hey, I know who you are! You're that girl that writes brain cell-damaging fanfics and keeps randomly popping up everywhere trying to get near her favorite characters by singing stupid songs! Yeah! You're a spaz! I don't like you!"

"Drat, I've been found out." Neko muttered to herself. "Hey, do you wanna see the Ed stickers I made?"

Ed shivered and moved closer to Winry. "N-No… That's alright…"

Neko looked around stupidly. She didn't have a good reputation.

"Listen, can you just… go away?" Ed replied. "You're scaring me."

"Oh, sorry. That was never my intention." Neko replied. "Here, let me shine your arm…"

"NO!" Ed shrieked. "No one wants you here, Neko! Go away!"

"Aw." She had been rejected. But she was used to it. She brought it on herself when she created a musical chapter in the Super Smash Brothers section.

Neko stood up and picked her mic up off the floor. "Testing… Testing… Ahem. HELLO, EVERYONE! I'm your most despised and feared flight attendant, Neko! We're going to sing some singalongs today! Alright?"

The crickets chirped 'Melissa' in the background.

"Okay! First we're going to sing the Oscar Mayer song! Ready?" Neko replied. "I'll sing it through once in case you don't know it. 'Kay! _MYYYYY… Bologna has a first name…"_

"It's O-S-C-A-R!" Wrath replied, jumping up and down and waving chocolate in the air.

"_My bologna has a second name…!_"

"It's M-A-Y-E-R!" Wrath cried again.

"_I love to eat it everyday!_"

"And if you ask me why I'll SAAAAAAAAAAAY---" Envy kicked Wrath in the shin.

"'_Cause Oscar Mayer has a way with---"_

Wrath punch Envy with every letter. "B-O-L-O-G-N-A!"

Neko wiped a tear from her eye. "Oh, that was so beautiful…! Marvelous!"

Wrath stuck his tongue out at Envy. Ed was hiding under his seat.

"Okay!" Neko began AGAIN. Geez. "Now we're going to sing a song from Sonic!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried every single person on the plane.

"What?" Neko looked around. "The people in the SSBM section didn't care."

"BUT THIS ISN'T SSBM! THIS IS FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST!"

"Well, ya got me there…" Neko replied, tapping the mic on her head. "I know! The Pita Ten theme song!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! PLEASE!"

But it was too late. Neko was jumping around like a moron and hitting Roy in the head with the microphone and singing the Pita Ten song. "_… I WIIIIIIISH! HELLO WAKE UP ANGEEEEL!"_

"Somebody make her stop! She's not supposed to be here!" Roy shouted. "Riza, help me PLEASE!"

Riza snored.

The entire plane was now in cahoots with each other trying to find the best way to shove Neko off the plane. So far, they decided Armstrong would lift her up by her shoes, make her eat her microphone, and chuck her to the ground below. By the time this plan was about to be executed, Neko had already moved on to Beck.

"_I WAS MADE TO HIT IN AMERICA!"_ Neko screeched in a funny Japanese accent at the top of her lungs.

"Somebody shut her up!" Ed screamed as Neko was yanking his braid. "Her lyrics don't make any sense!"

Winry walked over to Armstrong. "Here, I've got an idea."

She grabbed some of the pink Armstrong sparkles and chucked them in Neko's direction, who was now climbing on Ed.

"Sing 'Ready Steady Go!' SING IT!"

"NO! GO AWAY!"

All of a sudden, the sparkles made their way to Neko. "AHH! MY EYE! I'LL BE BACK! I'LL GET MY REVENGE! I'LL MAKE YOU ALL SING 'RIDE ON SHOOTING STAR' UNTIL YOU DIE!"

Neko jumped into an imaginary plothole and was never seen again. Ever. Thank God.

---

**Author's Notes:** … Right. That's the end of that. At least I didn't fling myself out the window. I really should have, though. I really wanted to hear Wrath sing the bologna song. Hm.

Oh, and about the bubblegum song Roy was joyfully listening to. A long LONG time ago, I went to a far away land called California where I wore old headphones on the plane. Some radio station kept playing a song about bubblegum over and over. And I liked it. Small things amuse small minds.

It's kind of difficult keeping track of all these teams. XD Still not 100 percent sure on who will be eliminated first, but I'll try my best to keep everyone's suggestions in mind. And you guys deserve a MUCHO amount of Pocky, cookies, candy, and a plushie of your favorite FMA character for reading through all that. :hands out merchandise: Man, I'm sorry about the massive brain cell loss. I'll pay for your doctor bills if you need me too.


	5. Choices

**Author's Notes:** I am APPALED with how long it took me to get to write this chapter. I beat myself with a large stick.

This chapter originated about a (month?) ago at a local fair. Believe it or not, we are the most obsessed people in the universe, because every time we did something, one of us shouted, "WHAT IF ED AND WINRY DID THIS?" or "WOULDN'T IT BE HILARIOUS IF WRATH DID THIS?" Blah, blah, blah. The ride's lines were long. We were bored.

Thus, it took forever to write because it was originally going to be co-written with one of my best friends (Youkai-Girl 23). She and my other best friend (KalliopeStarmist) gave me some fantastic ideas that made me giggle. Out of evilness, y'know. School is also sucking up my time with its time sucking-ness.

Just thought I'd clear that up. I hope to never wait that long to write a chapter again. I just couldn't live with myself. :beats self with stick again:

* * *

The chaotic plane landed gracefully into a randomly placed airport. And what a crappy airport it was. No gift shop, no bar, nothing. After hearing that there was no bar where he could drink his problems away in, Roy sulked and looked to his teammate for comfort.

"Hawkeye, darling," Roy replied as everyone exited the plane. He rested his head on her shoulder. "I am but a poor, lonely, un-drunken colonel. Whaddya say, buy me a Jack Daniels when we get home?"

Riza used her powerful woman-of-the-military skills to repel him forwards out of the plane. The poor taisa fell face-first into the tunnel, where he was stepped on by many random passengers. And Edward.

"Hey Hawkeye, watch where you fling your men." The young alchemist replied, jumping off Roy's back. "Aw, c'mon, Winry! You're slower than my great aunt Abby on Benedryl in a busted wheelchair."

Winry trudged along down the tunnel, trying to keep up with her teammate. She was tired from the flight and NOT in the mood. "Edward, I am NOT in the mood."

"What happened to all the energy from earlier?"

The blond mechanic sighed loudly. "Listen. My laptop was flung out the window, that plane ride was the most retarded thing I've ever seen, AND our bid went through the cracks because some punk named KalliopeStarmist STOLE the merchandise and DIDN'T PAY!"

Ed scratched his head. "So… Are you saying you're bitter?"

"Does Gluttony have a weight problem? OF COURSE I'M BITTER!"

Speaking of overweight Sins, it was then that Gluttony zoomed (or waddled) down the tunnel at the speed of light, nearly knocking Ed over.

"NOOOO! PLEASE! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" Gluttony was crying at the top of his lungs. "THIS TIME!"

"I've had just about enough of your mass crowding my team!" came a yell from behind. "Run all you want! But you'll never run fast enough to escape my divine fist!"

Ed, who had jumped on top of Winry to avoid getting hit by Gluttony, cocked his head to one side. "That was surprisingly deep, Scar. Yet, very cheesy. Ever consider going on 'Oprah'?"

Scar could care less about Ed's comments in an airport tunnel. He took off after his teammate and left the tunnel. Pinako and Armstrong walked up behind Winry and Ed. Winry had decided it was very rude to be jumped on and was strangling Ed.

"Now, now, dear." Pinako replied as she walked past. "He's our only customer. Kill him and you won't eat for a month."

"YES! LISTEN to your grandmother!" Armstrong added his two cents. "She is WISE and ALL-KNOWING!"

Pinako and Armstrong strutted out of the tunnel, laughing maniacally.

"What's their problem?" a brown haired woman asked her teammate.

Al shrugged. "I don't know, sensei. Perhaps Granny left her crack pipe at home? It's hard for her to go on for very long without it."

Edward had escaped Winry's wrath and began to run out of the tunnel. "Hey, Al! Nice to see ya! Sorry, can't talk; there's a wrench with my name on it! Bye!"

"YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW, ATOM ANT!" Winry shouted as she zoomed after Ed. "I'M TAKING NO MERCY THIS TIME!"

"Winry's so violent." Al sighed.

"You're telling me. She's worse than that green haired guy with that kid." Izumi replied flatly.

"AHEM." A voice behind them replied. "That brat is NOT my kid. And I suggest you put that thought FAAAAR out of your mind, unless you want to be eating applesauce for dinner for the rest of your life."

Izumi's eyes shifted to the left, where the palm-tree Sin was walking beside her. Moofy was being carried by his trousers by Envy because he couldn't stop himself from tripping random passengers, calling them donkey butts, and running away giggling. Envy told himself it was just a phase all children go through, but this didn't help at all.

"Don't talk you talk to me." Izumi muttered, moving away. "Your hair nearly poked my eye out!"

Envy scoffed. "Tch! Says the woman with dreds! C'mon, Moofy. We have better people to make fun of mercilessly."

"Bye, Ms. Izumi!" Wrath waved to Izumi as he was carried off quickly by Envy.

Izumi and Al began to walk out of the tunnel.

"Um, sensei, don't you think… maybe…"

"WHAT? What IS it, Alphonse? Can't I take TWO steps without you nagging in my EAR!"

Al sighed to himself. "I thought that maybe you should stop by the restroom real quick. Just to… You know, make sure there's no unexpected surprises along the way?"

"'Unexpected surprises'? Elric, I have no idea wh--- BLEEEEEEEEEH!"

Al stopped and sighed AGAIN. "There comes a time in every person's life where they think, 'Why me?' 'Why is this happening to me?' I've been thinking that a lot lately. Maybe it's because Bill is no longer with us, maybe it's because Brother isn't my teammate, or maybe it's the fact that my sensei is _constantly puking all over my nicely shined---_"

"ALPHONSE! CUT THE CRAP AND GET ME A KLEENEX!"

--

"A 'detour'?"

"As if we need anymore detours."

Roy sighed and glared at the card. "We've made it this far, we can go all the way. Right, Riza?"

"That's _Hawkeye_, to you, Colonel." Riza replied, snatching the card away and looking it over. "We're already far ahead of any of the other teams. This is just one more thing that determines what place we finish. One of us is going to get eliminated today. I'd like to make sure it isn't us."

The two partners were standing in front of a large wall that seemed to be hiding something. They could hear what seemed to be a huge crowd of people on the other side. There was a door, which they were now standing in front of.

"Hm. Now what?" Roy asked, trying to decide on what to do.

Riza fidgeted with the card. "Well, it says here that we can go through the door without knowing what exactly is on the other side. But whatever it is, we have to get through it to continue."

"… Is there a second choice?"

"Either we do that or we ride the nearly extinct Large Uber Camel all the way to the end…"

"Well, that doesn't sound so bad," Roy replied, wondering what the heck a Large Uber Camel was.

"… Down the side of a rock cliff." Riza finished.

There was a short silence as Roy put two and two together. "I say we go through the door."

"Don't be so hasty, Colonel. What's beyond this door could be worse than the Camel," Riza thought out loud. "We know what the second choice is. In something like this, it may be best to go with what you know."

"Correction; we have NO idea what a Large Uber Camel is." Roy pointed out. He began to speak, but it was halted by his teammate.

Riza began to pull Roy away from the door. "We're riding the Camel."

--

"MADE IT! Yes!" Edward cried as he ran to get the card that was sticking out of the wall. "'Detour'? What the…?"

"Give me that." Winry snatched the card away. "It says here that we can either go through the door or ride a… what is that, a 'Large Uber Camel'? What the heck is an Uber Camel?"

Ed shrugged. "I have no idea. So what, we have to choose between the two? I say we go through the door. It could be better than the Uber Camel, which seems to be the easy way out."

Winry thought to herself for a moment, and decided to agree with Ed. They didn't have much time, for fear the others would catch up. So they walked up to the door, put the card in the card slot, and the door began to open. It opened very slowly, creaking in its' old age. It gradually opened to reveal…

"IT'S A FAIR!" Ed shouted. "Man, they want us to go through a _fair_ as an obstacle? What a bunch of saps!"

Happy that they didn't have to ride a smelly old camel, Edward and Winry ran inside the fair.

… The Fair of DOOM!

--

"WHAT A WONDERFUL choice of yours it was to RIDE this BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC ANIMAL!" Armstrong cried as the camel he was riding (squashing) drudged down the rocky cliff.

"Belch." Replied the camel.

Pinako chuckled to herself. "Well, I wasn't about to see what was on the other side of that door! I mean, I had some wild adventures back in the day, but there's only so much an old timer like me can handle, ya know?"

Armstrong and Pinako's evil laugh echoed off the cliff. The camels wished to be elsewhere.

--

"B-But Scar! I want to ride the camel! I… love animals…"

Scar clonked the Sin in the head. "You love to EAT them. And that is the very reason why we aren't riding the camel. We're going through the door."

Gluttony pleaded and grabbed at Scar's sleeve. "No! Please! I've had bad experiences with doors!"

Scar paid no attention to Gluttony's cries of agony. He couldn't care less. Trailing the Sin behind him, Scar walked up to the door, inserted the card, and waited for the door to open.

"Please… Hear my cry of agony… I want to ride the camel!"

"Shut your mouth. It's too late now."

The door opened to reveal a fully crowded fair, complete with all of Scar's favorites: youth, balloons, games, and clowns. Scar twitched at the sight of all the people wandering around, screaming, yelling… and singing… It was then that Scar was about to have a long-awaited breakdown.

"Well, HELLO there, little trooper!" cried a hillbilly accented clown. He had wandered up to the team at the door and began to introduce himself. "Mah name's Doinko the Clown! Put ah shmile on them faces and be HAPPY!"

"HONK! HONK! HONK!" Doinko began to squeeze a toy horn in Scar's face. Scan glared at the clown with utter distaste. "Uh oh! Looks like shomeone's ah Mr. Grumpy Pants!"

"How would you like to not live past the age of fifty?"

Doinko laughed like an asthmatic donkey. "Aw shucks, you don't mean that! Looks like you need some flowers to brighten your day! Turn that frown UPSHIDE down!"

The insane clown took out a flower, shoved it into Scar's face, squeezed the stem, and water shot out.

"HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK!" laughed Doinko. "That's a good'un! You fell for that hook, line, and sinker!"

Scar glared at the clown, not moving a muscle. Gluttony began to slooooowly back away.

--

"… and this was NOT my idea to go in here with all these--- OOF! HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, LARD BOY! Yeah, I'm talking to you. You better think twice before getting in my face, bud. … Yeah, you better run away. Anyway, AS I was SAYING, Alphonse, I--- Alphonse?"

Izumi looked around, but saw no sign of her former student. Of course, there seemed to be thousands of people packed together like sardines, but one would think a giant suit of armor would be easy to spot. She looked all around, but could barely hear herself think. Children were screaming, women were yelling at anyone that got in their way, and most of the rides had un-Godly loud music playing out of large stereos. It was a fair on steroids.

"ALPHONSE! YOU GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!" Izumi screamed, but her voice faded as a crowd of girlscouts selling trailmix ran her over.

Back in the field where nobody knows… 

Alphonse was standing beside Host Hughes, whispering something into his ear.

Hughes's eyes widened a bit. "What? … You want to drop out…?"

Back at the Fair from Hell… 

Izumi stuck her head out of the pile of collapsed girlscouts, sniffed the air, and screamed, "I SMELL FAILURE!"

--

"What's it say, Envy? What's it say?"

Envy smacked Wrath on the head. "Shut up a minute. 'You have two choices: Go through the door or ride the nearly extinct Large Uber Camel down the side of a rocky cliff'. … Well, that's about the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

Little Moofy jumped up and down. "Ooh! Ooh! Let's ride the camel! Can we, Envy?"

"No." Envy replied flatly. "I'm not riding some smelly animal down the side of a cliff with YOU. If they think I'm gonna do that any time soon, I'll push them off the cliff myself."

Wrath scowled. "You're a butthead, Envy."

"Thank you very much." Envy grabbed Wrath by the arm and walked up to the door. He did the whole 'insert-the-card' routine and watched the door open slowly.

Envy had a blank expression as his eyes widened at the freakish sight on the other side of the wall. He nearly fainted and didn't make a sound.

"Envy? E-Envy…?" Wrath waved a hand in front of his face and shrieked. "OH NO! HE'S DEAD! … Ooh, a fair…"

--

Winry was being dragged around by Ed this time around. "Ed! Slow down before we get separated! I'm serious, Ed! GET BACK HERE…"

"Well, hey there, pretty lady."

Winry spun around and looked up at the bum behind her. "Um… Do I know you?"

The smelly guy wiggled his eyebrows, flashed his nonexistent teeth, and put an arm on her shoulder. "You may not know me, but I think I've seen you in my dreams…"

"GET OFF ME, YOU PERVERTED ROTTING CORPSE!" Winry screamed and clonked the man square in the head with her wrench and kicked him in a very important area.

"… Eep!" the man squeaked, letting himself collapse in an old guy pile on the ground.

After one last kick, Winry ran to catch up with Ed. She found him being attacked by a hoard of angry girlscouts with a vengeance.

"ACK! Get'em off me! SOMEBODY!" Ed cried as he received a mint cookie to the head. "BACK, YOU DEMONS! BACK I SAY!"

Winry ran over to the pile, chucked a few girls to the side, and helped lift her teammate out of the chaos. Ed wobbled and dusted himself off. "Thanks, Winry. I thought I was a goner."

"I'll personally make sure of that if you ever run off again!" Winry shouted. "Quit running off, Ed!"

But Ed's attention was elsewhere. "Aha…"

"ED! What did I just say!" Winry shouted as she followed Ed to wherever he was going. They stopped at brightly colored stand. "Oh, no. Not that."

"Yes… Come to me, my pretty…" Ed muttered as he receive his bright pink edible ball of fluff.

Winry began to lecture. "No way, Ed. You know what cotton candy is, don't you?"

"Uh, yeah, Winry. Cotton." Ed replied sarcastically, taking a bit out of the cotton candy.

Winry sighed angrily, ignoring the sarcasm. "SUGAR! It's pure sugar! There's no way we'll make it out of here if you're bouncing all over the place!"

"Oh, _puh_." Ed replied. "I'm hungry and this is all I can afford! So you'll just have to suffer the consequences. Besides, it's not like anything bad is going to happen."

--

Riza SWORE she could hear 'Happy Trails' playing in the background. Even the birds were mocking her. "This isn't exactly what I had in mind."

"Ow." Roy replied from behind her. "I'm gonna need a new ass after this."

"Quit complaining, Mustang." Riza sighed. "I don't need to hear it."

Roy was feeling VERY uncomfortable on top of the nearly extinct Large Uber Camel. Plus, a trail going down the side of a rocky cliff wasn't helping. "I believe this was _your_ idea, m'dear. I have every right to complain."

"Look, you can see the end of the trail from here. Just stay on the camel and we'll race to the finish." said Riza. "We're ahead of everyone and if we get in first, we get some sort of bonus prize."

"Really?" Roy hadn't known this. "SUDDEN CONFIDENCE BOOST! Come on, Hawkeye! To the bottom of the cliff we go!"

--

"I say, is that the military I see down there at the bottom?" Armstrong shouted. "Why, they MUST be in first!"

"Aw, don't let that get'cha down, sonny!" Pinako shouted back. "They're not THAT far ahead! We'll catch up to them in no time at all! GIDDYAP, YA CAMEL!"

The camel, with a sudden confidence boost, began to walk a bit faster. Armstrong decided to do the same.

"RUN with the FEET of the THOUSANDS of camels who came BEFORE YOU! FEEL the WIND lifting you into the AIR and GLIDE towards the GOAL!"

"Belch." replied the camel.

--

Scar punched an innocent civilian, grabbed Gluttony's arm, and muttered, "Let's go."

"Please…! Put me down! You're… You're insane…"

"Shut up. We're almost there." Scar replied. "And stop dragging that clown around!"

Gluttony glanced at the clown he had been dragging through half the fair. Ol' Doinko wasn't looking so hot.

"Geeeeeeeeeeh…" was all Doinko would say as he dragged on the ground. He had a black eye, five teeth missing, and a bloody, dented red nose. Poor Doinko.

"But…" The sin began.

Scar growled, "No, you can't eat him! Put him down!"

"Awww…" Gluttony sighed and dropped Doinko on the ground. He watched as he got farther and farther away from his dinner and closer to the finish line.

--

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAY! LET'S GO ON THAT AGAIN!"

Wrath began to jump up and down the ramp that led off of the Scrambler. Envy bent over the side of the railing and puked. Wrath ran over to him and began to dance.

"Stop that dancing, brat!" Envy muttered hoarsely, looking up at his teammate. "I swear… When we get outta here…"

"Ooooh, what's that?" Wrath looked over eagerly at a rounded, spinning ride with flashy lights across from them. "Oh, look, Envy! The bottom drops!"

Envy wobbled over to Wrath and grabbed the railing for balance. "No way. We are NOT going on any more rides. We need to get outta here---"

"YAAAAAAAY! MORE RIDES!" cried Wrath, grabbing Envy by the hand and dragged him over to the strange new ride.

--

"WHOOOOOOOO! OH, YEAH! YOU WANT SUMMA THIS? DO YA? HUH?"

Winry screamed up to her partner, who had now taken over the Scrambler. Ed had climbed on top of the seat, pulled himself up onto the pole that connected the seat with the top of the ride, and then proceeded to climb up to the pole on top which held the sign. He was now standing on top of it, shaking his rear at anyone who dared to look.

"EDWARD ELRIC!" Winry shrieked at the top over her lungs from below. "GET OFF OF THERE!"

"Nooooooooo way, missy! This is MAH ride! EDWARD HAS TAKEN OVER THE FAIR!" Ed yelled to Winry. He began to stepdance around the sign that read 'SCRAMBLER'.

"I TOLD you not to eat the cotton candy, Ed!" Winry shouted. "But _nooo_, what's the worse that could happen? I'm only gonna TAKE OVER THE FAIR!"

Ed suddenly froze, put a hand to his ear, and began to look around suspiciously. "… Huh? … Whazzat? … Sounds like NO ONE CARES, WINRY! SHADDAP!"

The crowd on the ground laughed and shook their heads at the silly boy taking over the Scrambler. Winry shook with anger and realized there was nothing left to do but go up.

"Well, if that's how you feel," Winry replied calmly. Ed began to move his hand in a talking motion and mouth 'blah, blah, blah!' while rolling his eyes. "… I'll just have to come up after you!"

Ed gasped loudly, shrieked, and jumped off of the ride. He ran into a crowd of screaming girls who had seen the entire butt-shaking scenario. Winry dove into the crowd and began to track Ed to see what chaos he would cause next.

She followed him through many different crowds of people. It was difficult to see where he went for… obvious reasons. But Winry wasn't exactly a giant herself and had trouble getting through.

After a few minutes of chasing, Winry saw Ed dart into a community building. She hurried after him, hoping that he wasn't sticking hotdogs in his ears or sticking straws in interesting places and proclaiming he was taking over the community building.

Winry finally spotted sugarhigh Edward by a random pay phone and ran over to him.

"Uh huh… Oh, nuh-uh, girlfriend. That is NOT what Shaniqua told me last night! … I am about to run over there and slap you upside yo' head---"

"EDWARD!"

"Uh… Whoops, gotta go. Got some girl ovah here who wants to use the phone. I'll call you back latah, yo!" Edward immediately hung up the phone. He took one look at Winry, who was about read to explode, turned back to the phone, and picked it up again. He quickly dialed a few random numbers and waited for someone to pick up.

"Hello? Is this the Smith residence? I'd like to tell you about a new product we're selling called… BEEEEEEEEEEEEP! The phone you are currently using has been disconnected for the rest of your life. Hanging up and trying again won't work because you're a BIG STUPID IDIOTIC---"

Winry snatched the phone out of Ed's hand and slammed it on the receiver. He took one look at Winry, who was about to send the Fires of Hades on his rear, and stared at her with big, sugarcoated eyes.

Ed grinned and whispered in a raspy voice, "I… like… chocolate… milk."

--

"Stupid kids. I'm tired of this job! Nothing seems to work out right when I try to do something." A tall man with a beard and glasses pulled the lever to a spinning ride. Why, it was Hoenheim, the German Carnie! "WHY does nothing work right?"

"HEY!"

The tired looking man stopped and looked to his right. Coming off of the ramp was a woman and her two-year-old son.

"How DARE you say my son is too short to go on this ride!" the woman screamed. "SHAME!"

"Well, ma'am," Hoenheim replied. "He's two."

The woman scoffed as her son dangled from her arm. "So? Are you saying he's gonna fly off the ride or something?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying, good job." Hoenheim retorted. "I _always_ get the smart ones."

"Oh, yeah? Well…" the woman replied. "YOU'RE AN IDIOT! I'll bet you'll NEVER do anything big in your life!"

_Yeah, you keep thinking that, _Hoenheim thought, flipping the woman the bird. "Says you."

The woman emitted a gasp that seemed to go on for hours. "How DARE you! I will have to take my business ELSEWHERE!"

"Hey, no hair off my ponytail, lady." Hoenheim was bitter. "Lessen the crowd, why don't ya?"

With a very distinct 'hmph!', the lady dragged her poor son off to a land where two-year-olds can ride adult rides. _Puh. This country's full of lunatics_, Hoenheim thought. "Okay, everybody off the flippin' ride."

--

"THE FINISH LINE! I SEE it, Pinako! OVER YONDER!" cried Armstrong, zooming away on Billy the Uber Camel.

Pinako shaded her eyes from the sun as she rode beside Armstrong. "I see it! And I see them military kids! They're almost there! How did they get there so fast?"

"I'm not sure! Maybe they had the SPIRIT! Maybe they have what it TAKES to SUCCEED in the RACE!"

Pinako grinned evilly and began to go faster. "Not on my watch!"

--

"Go! GO, colonel! We're almost there!" Hawkeye cried when they were about half a mile away.

"I'm going as fast as this thing'll go!" Roy cried. "C'mon, camel!"

Scar and Gluttony hadn't wasted any time whatsoever in the fair, so they had made it out alive. They were following close behind Pinako and Armstrong, trying to surpass them.

"We should have chosen the camel route…" Scar muttered to himself.

"But… that's what **I** said!" Gluttony whined.

Scar replied, "I don't want to hear another word come out of your mouth until we get to the finish line, got it?"

Gluttony shut up.

--

Hughes was waiting at the finish line and watching in excitement as the troops began to close in. "Ahh, it's almost time, Mildred! The first elimination! Can't you just taste the excitement?"

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." Mildred replied, moving the camera. "I still say my closet idea was better."

"Oh, don't be hateful, Mildred. You know what'll cheer you up…?" Hughes replied.

"Don't. You. Dare."

--

Winry and Ed had (somehow) made it out of the fair without getting arrested.

"I hate you, Edward." Winry growled as she ran towards the finish line. "I hate you with all of my being."

"Hey," Ed replied. "Don't say that, Win. You know you love me."

Winry growled. "I'd love to win this RACE, if you don't mind. Now hurry up! Are your legs not getting enough distance?"

Edward snapped. "OH, YOU THINK I'VE _NEVER_ HEARD THAT BEFORE! THINK AGAIN, MISSY!"

He began to run ahead, attempting to leave Winry in the dust.

--

"Here they come… Here they come…!"

"Mr. Hughes, will you _please_ wait until they actually get here?" Mildred replied damply.

Hughes watched as it was a battle neck-in-neck between Roy/Riza and Armstrong/Pinako. They were coming up faster and faster…

"And…" Hughes shouted, raising his mic slowly to his mouth. "Congratulations… Roy and Riza! You're the first team to arrive!"

"All right!" shouted Roy, out of breath. He helped Riza off the camel and helped her stand. "Whew! So! What do we get?"

"Well, first off, you get to stay for the next round. And second," Hughes announced, reaching behind his back and pulling out an object. "You get this tuna. Congrats!"

Roy and Riza stared at the tuna for a very long time.

Hughes began again. "Congratulations, Armstrong and Pinako! You're the second team to arrive!"

Each team began to get closer and closer, and soon Hughes was getting to be as dramatic as he wanted.

"Scar and Gluttony…" Hughes took a deep breath. "… Congratulations, you are the third team! Nice job!"

Scar chucked Gluttony off to the side and took a well-deserved break. Meanwhile, the teams kept arriving.

"Edward and Winry…" Hughes took a very dramatic breath. "… You are the fourth team to arrive! You stay in the race!"

"Wow, we really… didn't come in last?" Winry asked, gasping for breath.

Ed grinned. "Looks like you didn't mess things up _that_ bad, did ya, Winry?"

Edward received the traditional wrench-to-the-head.

Hughes watched as another team moseyed on over to where he was. One was a child holding up a very dead-looking palm-tree. They eventually made it to Hughes.

"Envy and Wrath…" Hughes replied. "… Technically, you're the last team to arrive."

Wrath dropped Envy on the ground with a thud. "You mean… we lost?"

"Well, technically…"

"WHAT?" Envy screamed, rising from the dead. "After ALL we did?"

"SHADDAP A SECOND!" Hughes cried. "Ahem. What I was _going_ to say was, that technically, you were the last team to arrive, but Alphonse and Izumi have decided to resign. Therefore, they have lost. You're still in the race!"

Envy gasped loudly and collapsed in front of a very frightened Moofy. Izumi was busy beating Al over the head with a pack of Kleenex, Scar was snoozing off by himself, and Winry was beating the crap out of Ed. The first round was over, and the authoress is about to collapse from exhaustion.

---

**Author's Notes:** :breathes sigh of relief: I'm so glad I got another chapter done. Thank you ALL who reviewed! It really, REALLY helped a bunch. Well, I'm going to go to bedso I canbe late for school tomorrow. I hope you enjoyed the chapter! I'll try to update again as soon as I can.


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